27. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. None of us are able to do all things perfectly. 28. Read all kinds of books. 

29. Donate your time and money to a cause you believe in. 

30. Go ahead and buy your cute dog the Star Trek costume. It will make you smile on dark days. 

31. Have a number of books you are reading at the same time. You’ll never have an excuse for not reading a book

32. Invest in experiences not stuff. (I’m still working on this one.)

33. Start saving retirement when you start working. Trust me. 

34. Tag people in all your digital pictures. 

35. Write on the back of photos who is in the pictures and where you are at. 

36. Send the sympathy card you bought for a friend a week or two after the funeral. 

37. Go to the funeral. The family will remember. You will get a gut check about what is really important. 

38. Make friends with people older and younger than you. You’ll need all kinds and ages of people in your life. 

39. Pretreat stains immediately. 

40. On your 40th birthday take a ride on the back of a Harley. Seriously, I recommend it highly. 

41. Figure out a way to remember people’s name. It makes a difference in life. 

42. Save old greeting cards. When you go back to look through the cards, you will smile and cry and remember. 

43. Join the marching band. You are a band nerd. You will have fun. You will work hard. You’ll remember the fun. 

44. Go to college and choose “potluck” for your roommate. You will learn lessons which will prepare you for an adventurous life. 

45. Learn how to plunge a toilet, or partner with someone who is willing to do the dirty work. (This also applies to cleaning up vomit.)

46. Don’t read too many self-help books. You know more than you think you do. 

47. Hang around with people who make you laugh. 

48. Listen to your body. 

49. Don’t try to write this kind of a list at 54. It would be much easier at the age of 30. 

50. Get a hobby. You don’t have one yet but you need one. 

51. Stand up for the things you believe in. 

52. Pre plan your funeral. Take some stress off your loved ones. 

53. Find a way to have children in your life. They bring joy, humor and a reminder of the presence of God in the world. 

54. We are only promised today in this life. Make it count. 

55. Marry or partner with  someone who is kind to others. 
What did I miss?  What would you add to the list?

My Learnings from 54 years of living. 1. When walking down stairs do not watch your reflections in the window so intently that you forget you are on the stairs. You will fall. 

2. Given the chance to walk or take a ride–walk. 

3. No matter how many purses with key pockets I buy my keys will not be in the key pocket unless I put the keys in the key pocket. 

4. Dogs are the best antidepressant. 

5. Just Buying organizers will not make me organized. 

6. Cheap shoes may be cute but will not be worth it in the long run. 

7. Hanging out with my adult kids is one of the greatest moments in my life. 

8. The right earrings can be quite empowering. 

9. Finding the right tribe of friends will make life SO much better. 

10. Learning to make gravy will take a lifetime of practice. 

11. I will not lose weight to fit into the dress that I bought a size smaller as incentive. 

12. Just buy the dress/outfit which fits right now. 

13. Talk to people who disagree with you. You are not always right. 

14. Being a middle school cheerleader was more fun that you would imagine. 

15. Perception is reality. 

16. Size 9 feet will not fit in size 7 shoes. 

17. Preaching is hard work. Preaching every week for 29 years takes a special kind of weird. 

18. If you give me Fresh flowers I will cry. 

19. It took me a long time to learn how to tie my shoes. 

20. Sing in a choir. 

21. For women only: get measured for a bra. Don’t try to do it alone. A good bra is worth every dollar

22. End every phone call with the people who means the most to you with , “I love you.”

23. Go to the dentist regularly. Putting off dental care is expensive and it will not get any less painful with time. 

24. Find a mentor. Develop a relationship. Ask for advice. 

25. Cultivate curiosity. 

26. Do something that scares you once in a while. 
More to come. 

Tom Zuba writes:

In order to heal you must MOURN.

You must push all of your grief up and out.

Contrary to the old way of doing grief –denying, suppressing and stuffing your feelings and emotions – you must find ways to express, feel and release all of the emotions that are bubbling up inside of you.

In addition, if you are committed to doing grief a NEW WAY, you must actively pursue your healing. Time alone will not and does not heal … it’s what you decide to do with that time that matters.  That determines if you will heal … or not.

I am offering five concrete things you can do to heal.  Pick one … just one … and commit to doing it every day for the next week.

Here are the five options:

1. Write in a Journal every day. Write about what you are feeling, thinking, doing, hoping for, fearful of and/or dreaming of. Start somewhere and let it flow. See what comes up and out. Fill one page every day with written words. This is a concrete way to mourn.

2. Spend 15-20 minutes a day in silence. Just you … and you. And listen. Listen to your breath, your heart beating, the birds singing, God whispering to you. Light a candle, savor a cup of tea, doodle, treat yourself to a warm bath, meditate. The objective is to slow down and reconnect to you.

3. Commit to crying. Say yes to crying. Allow yourself to cry … every day. And remind yourself that when you cry – you are healing.

4. Start a Gratitude Journal. Look for things throughout the day to be grateful for. Write down 3-5 things every day that you are thankful for. Do this every day. This exercise alone has the power to change your life.

5. Rebuild your broken body. Walk outside every day for the next week. Decide to eat better. Drink 8 glasses of water. Exercise. Practice yoga. Attend a Zumba class. Add just one of these things to your daily activities. Practice nourishing your body.

6. If there’s something else you’d like to add to this list that will help you heal … add it. You know best what you need to to do to heal.

As I said … the goal is to add one thing – one thing – to your day for the next week with the intention, goal, purpose of healing.

Begin exactly where you are.  Today.

If not now … when?

Permission to Mourn

Shelly writes: I’ve been reading this book with an unusual amount of fervor.  It has spoken volumes to me in the 38 days since my Dad’s death.  This book and my bossy friends have been working on my soul.  I don’t know that there is such a thing as a grief intervention but I believe this is exactly what my friends did for me.  I have received the blessing of my church, my District Superintendent and Bishop to spend the next 30 or so days on renewal leave.  I am disengaging from church life during this time and spending some time applying some of these five practices to renew and rebuilt.  I’m giving myself permission to give my attention to my grief.  I’ll be back to church life around October 6.  Blessings.  The time is now.

Today we celebrated my Mom’s birthday with most of the immediate family gathered around a common table.  We began a new tradition today.  A family meal at a restaurant, instead of a meal at Mom’s house.  We were very aware of the empty chair.  Mom and Dad’s birthdays are four day apart so we usually celebrate their big days together.  We usually would buy one cake and put both of their names on it to save calories and money.  Here’s a link to a favorite video of last year’s birthday celebration.  Happy Birthday 2015

I am grateful for this quieter day and the gathering of siblings, grandchildren and the one great grandchild.  Benjamin lights up the room with his smile and discovery of new words.  Four generations gathered together, in our grief and in our joy, to remember that loves binds us as a family.

Today’s blog is a walk down memory lane.  Today I drove to Manhattan, Kansas for a meeting with some United Methodist colleagues.  I arrived for the meeting a bit early so I took a cruise through parts of campus.  Thirty six years ago this week my parents loaded up the blue station wagon with all of my stuff and headed to K-State to drop me off for my freshman year.  The whole family brought me to school. Mom, Dad, and Brian, age 6, loaded up and headed west.  I was embarrassed by the fact that my parents were taking me to college.  I waned to appear worldly and independent.  In reflection I think my mother wanted to make sure I actually made my bed and packed appropriately.

Boyd Hall, Kansas State University

My room was on the third floor of an old dormitory without air conditioning or an elevator.  The summer of 1980 was the hottest on record and the day we moved in was no exception to the heat wave.  We lugged all the clothes and bedding up the stairs.  We made the requisite trip to Wal-Mart for a fan and goodies.  My parents took me out to dinner and then it was time to depart.  I hugged Mom and gave my brother a pat.  My Dad gave me a quick hug and the handed me a twenty dollar bill.  He said, “just in case you need a little bit more to get by.”

Memories like this catch me every day.  As I drove  today I remembered so many things about trips to Manhattan.  Mom and Dad came to every concert that I sang in and every performance of the band.  They would show up at the concert, take me to dinner and then head back to Kansas City. (This was back when the speed limit was 55 and the trip took much longer.)   I’m so grateful to have these memories today.  Grief takes my breath away almost every day.

I’ve been reading a little book called, Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba which has been quite refreshing and helpful.  I recommend it highly.  It is mostly poetry and journals from the experience of Tom Zuba after facing the death of several loved ones.  Each person has their own experience of grief and mourning, comparing my journey with someone else’s would be a mistake.

Tomorrow is Mom’s 80th birthday.  If you want to send her greetings, let me know and I’ll send you her information.  She would be thrilled to hear from many people on this hard day to come.

Small acts of kindness are making a big impact these days for me.  One Sunday School class here at church knows that I LOVE Diet Coke so they gave me a 24 pack of it.  Every morning when I come into the office I see that 24 pack and remember that I am loved.  (It’s down to a 20 pack now.)  Another act of kindness we received was a couple gift cards to a favorite restaurant.  The handwritten messages  inside the many cards which reminded me that all of our family is surrounded in love.  The cards also admonish me to take care of myself.  Each of these kind acts are little bits of grace in the midst of this hard time.

This quote from Anne Lamott is providing lots of encouragement for me today.  I know that this current sadness will remain in some way but it will also change   I will be changed from this experience.  Simple changes are already happening.  A BIG birthday is coming up for Mom this weekend.  We usually celebrate a joint party for Mom and Dad together, as Dad has an August birthday too.  How do we honor this big number in Mom’s life while we are still so numb with our recent loss?  She’ll be a real live octogenarian.  We are trying a new location and plan for the party.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

As part of Mom’s on going treatment for a leg hematoma sustained from the accident three weeks ago she goes to a wound care center three times a week. The wound care doctor is great and entertaining too.  When the hematoma is debrided it seems to be very painful.  Mom just white knuckles her way through the entire procedure.  It’s hard to watch.  The doctor calls Mom a T.O.B. for the way she handles all of pain.  A T.O.B. is a tough old broad.  It is said with affection and humor and Mom laughs about it.

I would agree that Mom is a T.O.B. because she is handling this as well as you could expect in these circumstances.  She’s handled cancer, the death of her parents and many other challenges within her life.  You are an inspiration, Mom.

I’ve elected through this time in my life to share some of my thoughts and feelings through this blog.  I’m not  sharing everything I am feeling from this time because somethings are private and need to stay that way. I’ve decided to share some things because it feels like I have two choices in the light of recent events:  close down and shut myself off or open up and be a bit vulnerable in these times.  Vulnerability comes at a cost too.  It means I also have times when I pull myself away and tend to my soul.  I’m a Tough Old Broad in Training (TOBIT).  Watch out world.