Have you ever felt like you are drowning in sorrow, unmet expectations and helplessness?  The terrible feeling that comes from the life circumstances all around you.   As a pastor I am often a spectator/participant in the arena of human suffering.  I stand by the side of those in the midst of terrible times and try to offer a safe place for the one in the midst of the storm  to express feelings, thoughts and silence as they face a terrible time. This role is taught to seminarians and tested through the day-to-day life of a parish pastor.  I’m better at it than I used to be in the early days of ministry.

This week has tested my capacity for standing by the side of the suffering.  An unexpected death of a mother with a teenager, the person who had a medical procedure take a turn to the worse and now lays in the Critical Care Unit, a young mother who’s been in remission with Stage 4 breast cancer learns the cancer is back and a beautiful girl with cancer which will not stop growing have pushed me hard emotionally and spiritually.  I don’t have any answers for the question which comes to all of us at these times, “Why?”  I mostly have questions, lots of questions.

I grow weary of those who try to offer empty promises to those who are suffering, like: “God has a plan”, or “God will never give you more than you can handle”, or “God needed another angel”, or my least favorite phrase, “God only gives these trials to the strongest disciple.”  I unequivocally reject this understanding of God.  Unless we are worshiping a deity with mental health issues and enjoys the suffering of others, even when it is for their own good, these phrases cannot represent a healthy understanding of God’s presence in the world.

So today I’d like to offer a few words of caution and a few alternative phrases for helping friends and family who are going through a time of suffering.

1.  Do not offer stories of the miracle someone else had who faced this disease.

2.  Do not tell a story about someone who has it worse than the person who is suffering.

3.  Do not assume the person who is suffering has the same theological understanding of the world and of God.

4.  Do not tell stories of a family member who had a similar condition and how they “rose above” the circumstances.    When my son was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at the age of three, we were devastated and exhausted from learning all about the rigors of his care and his future.  Well meaning people told me horrific stories of elderly family members who did not take very good care of their diabetes and the consequences of this care.  Blindness, amputation and dialysis.  These stories only deepened my constant fear and anxiety about my son’s future.

So what can we say or do?  These ideas are from the American Cancer Society.

• Offer your support.
• Be a good listener.
• Watch for cues that can let you know they want to talk about their circumstances.. If they don’t want to talk, respect it. (But continue to watch for and follow cues.)
• Do the same things together you used to before the current circumstances, if you can. Most people want to be treated the same as always, but check with them about how they feel and don’t press to do anything they don’t feel up to doing.
• Try to be OK with silence. Sometimes the person just needs a little time to focus her thoughts. Constantly talking because you are nervous can be irritating. A period of silence can allow someone the chance to express more thoughts and feelings.
• Touching, smiling, and warm looks are important ways to communicate also. Remember to use them.
• Try to maintain eye contact to demonstrate you are fully present and listening carefully.

Ultimately, in the face of unfortunate circumstances we have to admit that there is very little we can do to change the health circumstances of another.  We can pray, make casseroles, organize fundraisers, run errands and visit.  These are not small things. We need to connect with each other and be reminded of our humanity.  These words help me, I hope they help you.

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are struggling hard and carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

A song by Meredith Andrews for meditation and sustenance.

I’m not drowning but many are feeling overwhelmed in my life, so let’s give each other some love and grace.